So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
