Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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