Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
