why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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