I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
