apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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