I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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