He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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