I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
