the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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