he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
