just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
