I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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