THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
