trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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