I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think my fart just growled at me.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
