don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
