Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
