Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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