i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
