Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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