Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i was born a porn star she said
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
