Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
