just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
