hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
