I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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