I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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