everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm having to shit out rocks
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