so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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