she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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