so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
