she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
