Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
