Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
