Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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