Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
