Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize