my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
