Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
