I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
