I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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