I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Randomize
