She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
