yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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