i would punch a child for taco bell
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize