Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
