JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
