I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
PS: I just woke up from my shower
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
