Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
