I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
