i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
