He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
