Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
