I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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