five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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