My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Even my vagina gasped.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize