My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
What drink are we having for lunch?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
