i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
