My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
