saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
